Navigation.

Now that I've done it, I can navigate through the city alone just fine...but I don't really think  I'd want to, I like sharing it with my Man.

PS: Guggenheim is pretty inspirational, and headache inducing.

mindless chatter.

The shear curtains swayed gently as the crisp fall breeze danced through the window.  It was only half past five in the evening, but it felt much later.  Exhaustion fooled my body once again.  I glanced down at my phone and reminded myself that there was still work to be done before night got away from me, again.  In the not so distant downstairs I could hear my siblings argue meaninglessly about who was to wash the dishes, and who was to dry them.  "It's all the same," I thought to myself with a silent laugh, "I could probably do it all in less time than it takes them to fight about it."  But who am I to get in the way of their chores?  I had just completed making dinner, setting out the dishes, and cleaning up the left over food.  I deserved a break, right?  I quickly made my escape up to my hideaway as soon as everyone was preoccupied.  Perhaps that was deceitful, but quite frankly, I like being alone more than being in the company of others, even when that company is my own flesh and blood.  At least this isn't a new pattern.  Ever since I could remember being alone in my room was better than being with people.  I'm no good at small talk, I'm reluctant to start conversations, and if I could choose I would never bring myself to a party.  People bother me.  It's not that I'm afraid of them, I just don't like them.  With all their problems, and pains, quirks, and smells...I find it much easier to deal with one person: me.  I am a comprised of all the things which I do not like, but at least I'm familiar with my shortcomings, my hidden secrets, my annoying habits, and distasteful aroma.  I brought myself out of this cloud of mindless chatter an back into the world beckoning me from inside the pages of my psychology textbook.  I reached for it, but fell short.  If I haven't read it by now, am I really going to read it right now?  Perhaps tomorrow, when it isn't quite so dark outside.  Let's hope it rains again.

deafened by the silence.

Today I heard the sound of birds and I wish that I was anywhere but here.
It's too quiet, too quiet.

insert profanity.

stupid effing world.

i guess i missed the part where watching my mom get lowered into the ground was going to become less painful.

Letters From the Sky.

One of these days letters are gonna fall from the sky telling us all to go free.
But until that day I'll find a way to let everybody know that you're coming back,
you're coming back for me.
Cause even though you left me here, I have nothing left to fear.
These are only walls that hold me here.
-Civil Twilight

Legitimate Logistics.

"What's your plan after graduating from Union County?"

Today I verbalized my plan to someone other than a family member...it made me feel pretty freaking legit.  I think it surprised the counselor.  She just looked at me and said,

"Wow. That's the best plan of action I've heard from a student in a long time. Best of luck."

Shock, of course.

He was dressed in black slacks, a black button down shirt, and a black vest.  His black dress shoes were slightly scuffed on the ride side of the left foot, but mostly polished.  He spun his gold wedding band nervously as he sat alone at the cafe table.  I had just glanced behind me to look at the teas, but caught his familiar face instead.  His eyes were tired, drooping with the weight of many sleepless nights.  His mouth was curved downwards, indicating incessant sadness.  He looked friendly, but ominous;  like he was about to share some horrible news that was absolutely necessary for me to hear. Mesmerized, I stared at him.  His black ensemble, and feeble hands were so intriguing all of the sudden.  I felt like I knew so much about him, not because I was examining, but because I could here his voice in my head even though he sat in utter silence.  It was the way he sat, tall and unmoved, but very uncomfortable.  He looked out of place, like he needed to leave, lest anyone see him.  His eyes, though tired, were alert and shifting.  Finally they pierced me and my mouth hung gaping open.  He had discovered me watching him.  I was worried he would stare back, but instead he gave me a sympathetic half smile and suddenly became very concerned with his wedding band.  I turned away, still in awe.  How did I know this man?  I kept glancing behind me to watch him.  With every turn of my head and every eyeful of him I pieced together more and more of the conversation we had.

His order was up, and he somberly walked to the cashier to pay.  It killed me inside, I did not want him to leave, I wanted to follow him, to watch him just a little more.  I needed to know why I had spoken with him, why I felt I knew so much about him.

He reached for the door when the cashier asked him if he'd like a bag for his items.
"Of course" was his gentle and caring response.  It sounded rehearsed, as if he knew she would ask, as if he had been waiting to give that exact reply.

Suddenly it washed over me like a cold and unwelcome tidal wave of shock.

"Have you decided on a color?"
"I think we need a few more minutes," my voice faded as tears welled up in my tired eyes.
"Of course," the man spoke softly, "of course."
Moments passed, but it felt like a lifetime.  Walking around in the same small area made me claustriphobic, choosing pastel colors and wood finishes made me sick.
"We'd like the oak, with the pink interior. Mommy loved pink, she loved..."
"Of course."